Married couple closes wounds and opens up hearts and minds
A couple who had been married for 19 years came to me hoping to save their marriage from divorce. Mike the husband and Joelle the wife agreed that they were living parallel lives and had essentially become roommates. Wife's chief complaints were that husband was a procrastinator, never planned or initiated anything, made no sexual advances towards her and was having an emotional affair. Husband complained that wife was very jealous, needy, compulsive, controlling, and had impossible expectations. As I inquired about the trajectory of couple's relationship, I discovered that Mike had a near death motor cycle accident 5 years previously which kept him out of work for 1 year and forced Joelle out of the homemaker role and into the role of sole provider. Joelle essentially became the caretaker for Mike and her 3 children ages 10, 8, and 6 y.o. for approximately 1 year.
By way of history, Joelle acknowledges that prior to the accident, the couple had a traditional marriage whereby Mike was the breadwinner and Joelle the homemaker. After the accident, Joelle had to take control of everything or as she stated, "earn the bread and bake the cookies."
In order to become a team again, I emphasized that both team members had vital roles both inside and outside of the bedroom. For Mike, I emphasized the need to focus on the following jobs: take on more responsibility at home without having to be asked by wife, follow through with promises, absolute honesty and transparency with wife such as sharing more of his thoughts and feelings, provide more positive and negative/constructive feedback to Joelle, share the planning of dates and take the initiative to hug, kiss or hold wife's hand. For Joelle, emphasized that she focusses on the following initiatives: letting go of control and refraining from judging by cultivating a mindfulness practice, notice husband's small successes, provide positive feedback for his successes, establish more balance in her life by nurturing her own interests and friendships, accept that husband will have female friends and avoid assumptions by focusing on evidence or facts.
This writer suggested that wife begin to cultivate mindfulness via meditation and walking with an awareness of senses
With these initiative, Joelle and Mike began to go on dates again for the first time in years enjoying activities and venues that couple once enjoyed when they initially dated. Couple literally walking down memory lane together to reignite sparks between the two and allow the relationship to smolder in the bedroom.
With the couple's $20^{th}$ anniversary approaching, this writer recommended that Mike commemorate the occasion and he decided renew couple's wedding vows in Las Vegas. Mike and Joelle practiced vows in last session during which wife promised to retire her controlling style and love husband in a non-possessive way while Mike vowed to recommit to the marriage, always tell the truth and allow himself to be vulnerable with both feelings and actions.